Hits the Spot!

Mmm... can't you just taste that SPAM, with a little bit of butter and syrup? Oh, my arteries are shuddering already!

So here we go!


May 9:


- Kelvin Kerkular, at mohameedisah02@yahoo.co.in (return mail kelvinkerkular@w.cn) is waiting to hear from me! He and his sister, Liberian citizens, are in a refugee camp in Ghana. His parents were diamond merchants who made too much money so they were murdered. Of course Kelvin knows where his father his some diamonds and cash, and just needs some help getting it out of Ghana before he is deported. Would I please send him all of my personal info so he can start this process?

Huh. Why doesn't he just bribe his way out like everyone else does?


- Chung, Yoon, from yjchung@ccri.edu says:

I'm Norman Chan,Chief Executive, Hong Kong Monetary Authority (HKMA)I have a Business worth $47.1M Get back to me if interested.
Reply to my email  2590184463@qq.com

 Depends, Norman. What's the weasel tax in Hong Kong these days?


- Daniel Rock, at bar.bruce@terra.com (return mail hermscourierservice@zhot.net) says that thanks to my past efforts on his behalf, there is a postal order worth $2 million waiting in Deutsch Bank in Germany. I just have to contact their courier service.Hmm. Wanda will be in Europe next month- maybe she could just swing by and pick it up? Just make sure it's not in Greek currency.


- Oh dear. Mrs Faridah Harris Hamid writes from jerzy.szukalski@neostrada.pl (return mail hamidfrdharis@yahoo.com.my) that she is dying and has no heirs. So she wants to give me $2.5 million to distribute in humanitarian aid. Cool! I know several humans I can aid with that money!


- Madam Hanan Zanfar at mrshananidrisa@gmail.com (return mail mrs.hananzanfarfamily@hotmail.com) is a widow who is- you guessed- dying with no heirs! Her husband hid some money in a box, some $4.8 million worth, and she wants to give it to someone who will "use this fund for the helping of the orphanages homes, widows, propagation of Gospel, and to endeavor that God's house is maintained."Nifty! My parish church needs a new roof! I'll start there!


- Dr. John Chan Chak at dgietema@tusculum.edu (return mail johnchak14@yahoo.com.hk) has a "a legal business proposal of Twenty Eight million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars", but is writing from a student account at Tusculum College in Tennessee? And I should get back to him in Hong Kong? What, is he an online or commuter student?


-  CONFIDENTIAL! James Collins at jamses65@gmail.com has some money stashed in Libya that he needs to get out of the country, and he'll give me 30% of $20 million (in unmarked $100 bills, no less) if I'll help him.

Really, a former oil merchant doesn't have a better plan to get his money out than to contact a cranky historian in Oregon?


May 10:

- Mrs Kim James at web.alliance1150@att.net (return mail alliancetransfer@consultant.com) has a business proposal for me- loans at 3%! Not bad- slightly better than my Perkins loans. I might have to look into that...


- Mr Asita Hussain at asitahussain8@gmail.com has $29.2 million in unclaimed funds belonging to a guy who died intestate, and it is just rolling around his bank with nothing to do. If I'll help him steal, er, move the money out of the bank, he'll give me 40% of it. Of course the help is complicated.

Please i need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not deny my right of the share once the fund gets into your account because i am a poor civil servant who depend on little monthly salary. That you are the one who will help me to get visa to your country immediately i resign from my work on the instant of the transfer into your account. 

For a bank executive, I would have expected him to use proper grammar and punctuation, even if he is overseas, yes?


- The helpdesk at ithelpdesksupport@mail2webmaster.com says there's a problem with my account, and I need to give them my password. For an account that is not with 'webmaster'?


- Monica Gaziri writes from moris4oxide@yahoo.com (return mail monicagazirisyr@yahoo.com) 'Hello My Dear', and she is looking for friendship, perhaps love.

I wonder what she would say if I write back and tell her I'm not batting for her team?


- Publishers Clearing House writes from info@mail.com (there's that address again! A lot of people seem to use it!) with a return mail of pchremittance2012@manager.in.th,

The Publishers Clearing House in Colaboration with the United State Goverment would like to notify you that you have been chosen by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant/Donation for your own personal,educational, and business development.

$1 million worth.They just need my personal information, including sex, date of birth, and marital status.

Shall I point out to them that they misspelled 'collaboration' and 'government'?


-  Good Day! from Godwin Kwame at sue@pslgroup.com.sg (Sue?) with a return address of godwink4@blumail.org.

Well, Good Day to you too, sir!

He has a client who needs to move some funds (of course...) of $8.37 million without traces to himself or his client. I just need to contact him for more details.

That is a lot of money. Without traces? But the weasels my poop in transit, you know...


- Robin Orticerio at rmorticerio@ccri.edu has a confidential business deal worth $47 million. I should reply to him at 2590184463@qq.com. Confidential, eh? SURE WOULDN'T WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO GET OUT...


May 11:

- Mr Liu in Hong Kong writes from test@decaturtel.net- a Mississippi USP (return mail mr_tailingliu@w.cn)- that he has a bequest for me if I'll send him "
Names,Address,Age/sex and contact Number" to his return address.

I suppose his business is not in Mississippi?


- Mr Jerry Dickson at jerrydickson01@yahoo.co.za (return mail jerrydickson011@hotmail.com) says that he is the trustee of an unclaimed estate and would like to give it to me.

If you wish to render your selfles s service, but very rewarding and 1.Your full names 2.Telephone Number 3.Complete Address 4.Your occupation and your Age. 5.Marital Status

Really now, I have a friend from South Africa (where the .za is from) and she would be very embarrassed for this to be thought of as representative of their literacy. After all, English is one of the official languages in South Africa.

Don't think I'll contact Jerry.


- Thomas Witherspoon at test@chinawanxiang.com (return mail thomaswitherspoon7@yahoo.com.hk) sent me two copies of "PRIVATE NOTICE PLEASE READ,." Maybe it is important! Let's see:

a very rich Chinese customer of mine died with his wife in a plane crash.(Names withheld). Before his death, he confided in me and made a deposit in the sum of US$15,500,000 (Fifteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) in a suspense account in my bank for transfer to an account abroad. It is now over three years since their death and nobody has come forward to claim this money.

He wants me to stand as next of kin and help move the money, for which he'll give me 30%.

Dunno Thomas- Mr Hussain was willing to give me 40%...

Still, 30% of $15 million is a lot of money!


Ohh... too much SPAM and pancakes!