Hits the Spot!

Mmm... can't you just taste that SPAM, with a little bit of butter and syrup? Oh, my arteries are shuddering already!

So here we go!


May 9:


- Kelvin Kerkular, at mohameedisah02@yahoo.co.in (return mail kelvinkerkular@w.cn) is waiting to hear from me! He and his sister, Liberian citizens, are in a refugee camp in Ghana. His parents were diamond merchants who made too much money so they were murdered. Of course Kelvin knows where his father his some diamonds and cash, and just needs some help getting it out of Ghana before he is deported. Would I please send him all of my personal info so he can start this process?

Huh. Why doesn't he just bribe his way out like everyone else does?


- Chung, Yoon, from yjchung@ccri.edu says:

I'm Norman Chan,Chief Executive, Hong Kong Monetary Authority (HKMA)I have a Business worth $47.1M Get back to me if interested.
Reply to my email  2590184463@qq.com

 Depends, Norman. What's the weasel tax in Hong Kong these days?


- Daniel Rock, at bar.bruce@terra.com (return mail hermscourierservice@zhot.net) says that thanks to my past efforts on his behalf, there is a postal order worth $2 million waiting in Deutsch Bank in Germany. I just have to contact their courier service.Hmm. Wanda will be in Europe next month- maybe she could just swing by and pick it up? Just make sure it's not in Greek currency.


- Oh dear. Mrs Faridah Harris Hamid writes from jerzy.szukalski@neostrada.pl (return mail hamidfrdharis@yahoo.com.my) that she is dying and has no heirs. So she wants to give me $2.5 million to distribute in humanitarian aid. Cool! I know several humans I can aid with that money!


- Madam Hanan Zanfar at mrshananidrisa@gmail.com (return mail mrs.hananzanfarfamily@hotmail.com) is a widow who is- you guessed- dying with no heirs! Her husband hid some money in a box, some $4.8 million worth, and she wants to give it to someone who will "use this fund for the helping of the orphanages homes, widows, propagation of Gospel, and to endeavor that God's house is maintained."Nifty! My parish church needs a new roof! I'll start there!


- Dr. John Chan Chak at dgietema@tusculum.edu (return mail johnchak14@yahoo.com.hk) has a "a legal business proposal of Twenty Eight million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars", but is writing from a student account at Tusculum College in Tennessee? And I should get back to him in Hong Kong? What, is he an online or commuter student?


-  CONFIDENTIAL! James Collins at jamses65@gmail.com has some money stashed in Libya that he needs to get out of the country, and he'll give me 30% of $20 million (in unmarked $100 bills, no less) if I'll help him.

Really, a former oil merchant doesn't have a better plan to get his money out than to contact a cranky historian in Oregon?


May 10:

- Mrs Kim James at web.alliance1150@att.net (return mail alliancetransfer@consultant.com) has a business proposal for me- loans at 3%! Not bad- slightly better than my Perkins loans. I might have to look into that...


- Mr Asita Hussain at asitahussain8@gmail.com has $29.2 million in unclaimed funds belonging to a guy who died intestate, and it is just rolling around his bank with nothing to do. If I'll help him steal, er, move the money out of the bank, he'll give me 40% of it. Of course the help is complicated.

Please i need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not deny my right of the share once the fund gets into your account because i am a poor civil servant who depend on little monthly salary. That you are the one who will help me to get visa to your country immediately i resign from my work on the instant of the transfer into your account. 

For a bank executive, I would have expected him to use proper grammar and punctuation, even if he is overseas, yes?


- The helpdesk at ithelpdesksupport@mail2webmaster.com says there's a problem with my account, and I need to give them my password. For an account that is not with 'webmaster'?


- Monica Gaziri writes from moris4oxide@yahoo.com (return mail monicagazirisyr@yahoo.com) 'Hello My Dear', and she is looking for friendship, perhaps love.

I wonder what she would say if I write back and tell her I'm not batting for her team?


- Publishers Clearing House writes from info@mail.com (there's that address again! A lot of people seem to use it!) with a return mail of pchremittance2012@manager.in.th,

The Publishers Clearing House in Colaboration with the United State Goverment would like to notify you that you have been chosen by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant/Donation for your own personal,educational, and business development.

$1 million worth.They just need my personal information, including sex, date of birth, and marital status.

Shall I point out to them that they misspelled 'collaboration' and 'government'?


-  Good Day! from Godwin Kwame at sue@pslgroup.com.sg (Sue?) with a return address of godwink4@blumail.org.

Well, Good Day to you too, sir!

He has a client who needs to move some funds (of course...) of $8.37 million without traces to himself or his client. I just need to contact him for more details.

That is a lot of money. Without traces? But the weasels my poop in transit, you know...


- Robin Orticerio at rmorticerio@ccri.edu has a confidential business deal worth $47 million. I should reply to him at 2590184463@qq.com. Confidential, eh? SURE WOULDN'T WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO GET OUT...


May 11:

- Mr Liu in Hong Kong writes from test@decaturtel.net- a Mississippi USP (return mail mr_tailingliu@w.cn)- that he has a bequest for me if I'll send him "
Names,Address,Age/sex and contact Number" to his return address.

I suppose his business is not in Mississippi?


- Mr Jerry Dickson at jerrydickson01@yahoo.co.za (return mail jerrydickson011@hotmail.com) says that he is the trustee of an unclaimed estate and would like to give it to me.

If you wish to render your selfles s service, but very rewarding and 1.Your full names 2.Telephone Number 3.Complete Address 4.Your occupation and your Age. 5.Marital Status

Really now, I have a friend from South Africa (where the .za is from) and she would be very embarrassed for this to be thought of as representative of their literacy. After all, English is one of the official languages in South Africa.

Don't think I'll contact Jerry.


- Thomas Witherspoon at test@chinawanxiang.com (return mail thomaswitherspoon7@yahoo.com.hk) sent me two copies of "PRIVATE NOTICE PLEASE READ,." Maybe it is important! Let's see:

a very rich Chinese customer of mine died with his wife in a plane crash.(Names withheld). Before his death, he confided in me and made a deposit in the sum of US$15,500,000 (Fifteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) in a suspense account in my bank for transfer to an account abroad. It is now over three years since their death and nobody has come forward to claim this money.

He wants me to stand as next of kin and help move the money, for which he'll give me 30%.

Dunno Thomas- Mr Hussain was willing to give me 40%...

Still, 30% of $15 million is a lot of money!


Ohh... too much SPAM and pancakes!

Keep cool- just open a can of SPAM!

Hey, at the rate Spam is coming in, she'll never have to worry about unexpected guests!


May 3:


- From web.offi1e.3.8.0.9@att.net (return mail financia@postino.net) another loan offer. No real particulars, but they are very interested in my personal information!

As are we all...


-  jasshugh72@yahoo.com (return mail worldb_auditor@qatar.io) claims to be from an officer of the World Bank. They say that I am on a list of emails of people who were victims of email scams (No! Really?) and if I send them my personal information, they will send me an ATM card worth $1.5 million dollars. Are they planning to charge me $55 and weasel tax to pick it up in Benin?


- Jenny Venn at jennyven1winbrosey@yahoo.com (return mail jennyvewinbrosey@hotmail.com) is a student at UCLA in her fourth year, who says she is American but possess what appears to be a rudimentary grasp on the English language. Mind, I am well aware that she may simply be an average American student, but she comes across as Someone Not From Here who wants to appear chic... At any rate, she says she is a student in International Relations.

Really Jenny, I'm not interested in your sex life.

She wants to get in touch with me with the intent of my going with her to a UN conference on deadly 'diseases like HIV and secondly to reduce violence like war & civil war and terrorist act'.

Tell you what, Jenny. You take another year of English and I'll consider that conference on 'terrorist act'. They might need a translator for something.


- Oh no! Mrs Susan at  mothersamsonamson2@gmail.com still needs help with motherless babies. Well, my answer is still no...


- Miss Salma writing from at misssalmabb@gmail.com (return mail salmaibrahim0@yahoo.com.hk- an interesting address from someone who says she is writing from Burkina Faso) wants to be my soul mate. She'll even send me a picture.

Sorry Miss Salma, but I don't swing that way. Would you care for a picture of some spam? It might suffice if you're looking for some pork.


- NOKIA CHARITY GRANT ANNUAL AWARD at info@nokia.org (return mail nokiawlotter@bricksmail.com) claims that my 'E-mail ID has won Ј1,000,000 GBP,and two laptops and one nokia phone for on going NOKIA CHARITY GRANT ANNUAL AWARD'.

Awesome. But why do they need my occupation and marital status?


- From  info@mail.com again, with a return mail at paul.cardle1@yahoo.com.hk.

I have a risk free business deal worth Sixty Million pounds (GBP),I work with the Bank of Scotland and need a trustworthy partner. Contact me via my private email(paul.cardle1@yahoo.com.hk) for more details .

And an attachment with more information. And likely a virus (*koff!*wheeze!*) or a Trojan (Beware of Scots bearing gifts from Hong Kong!). No thank you!


- Another message from Western Union at  allochu2@konin.lm.pl (return mail westunion.22011@rediffmail.com) in Nigeria with money waiting for me! They have a better deal than the folks in Benin- they only want $35 to claim my money. Plus weasel fees, of course. And I have to give them the secret word.

What, do I look like Grouch Marx?


- Mrs Amina Saib at  aminasaib305@yahoo.com says that she in a financial consultant in London, and she has a sad, sad story to tell. She is a widow and has no children, and she tells me  with tears rolling down her eyes!, that-

"I want you to assist me in receiving the fund (GBP.�9,000,000.00), and distributing the money to charity Organizations, I agree to reward you with part of the money for your Assistance, kindness and participation in this Godly project."

Here's a tissue dear.


May 4:

From the account of Corrie A. Biles atcbiles@uark.edu , a Mr Duffy Kennedy,  the Auditor General, Bond Finance Ireland, writes to tell me that he found in an audit some money ($18.5 million!) that belonged to Albert Kovshevnikov, who died intestate in 2002. He wants to sneak this out of the bank before it reverts to the state, and he's willing to give me part of it if I'll help him.

What is it with these millionaires dying intestate? And unnoticed, apparently. Isn't this odd?


- From  info@abc-complett.de an Eva Morrison from Mississippi (return mail evans_morrison@rocketmail.com) says that while attached with the US Army in Afghanistan ('attached'? What, rope? Duct tape? Super glue?) she and a group of soldiers found a huge cache of money- and they'll give me 15% if I'll help them get it out of the country.

Sorry Eva, the going rate seems to be 30%. But there seems to be someone in Benin who will help you launder it for the small fee of $55. Think you can handle that?


- Reginard Adams at reginard@volkswagen.com (return mail fedex_d@blumail.org) says that I need to contact Mr John Williams at FedEx in West Africa about the $800,00 bank draft they are holding for me. They just needs $95 in courier fees...

Wow guys, I didn't realize that there was such a price difference between Western Union and FedEx! Perhaps I should hook up Mr John Williams with the folks at Western Union!


May 5:

- Greetings From Alexander Wilmot-Sitwell at churchist@blumail.org (return mail wilmotalex@ciudad.com.ar), an investment consultant working with Bank UBS AG Zurich presently at their offshore department. He apparently found $155 million just rattling around in a back room somewhere, unclaimed. If I will give him my personal info and a cell number, he'd like to talk to me about claiming some of this money. We'll split the proceeds, of course. And I need to keep this TOP SECRET of course.

TOP SECRET YOU SAY? HOW ABOUT IF I PUT IT ON MY BLOG? IS THAT TOP SECRET?


May 6:

- Mr Lusee at mr.lusee3768@msn.com (return mail mr.lusee@gmail.com) in Burkina Faso just found *gasp!* unclaimed money in an account at his bank! Of course he needs help getting this money out of the country and is willing to give me 30%...

YAWN. Same old, same old. You think they'd find a new approach...


- Teresa Au at sirikul@onep.go.th at HSBC has the same story. Except she is offering me 50% Dude, Teresa's my kind of gal!


May 7:

- USPS, at the improbable email address of yapie@staff.gunadarma.ac.id (return mail usps.deliverypost092@topmail.com) says:

Greetings! Your have unclaimed Confirmable Bank Draft worth 1,000,000 Great Britain Pounds with FedEx Couriers You have been given 5 working days to File for(claim) your unclaimed parcel.

Ok, let me see if I can follow this: The United States Postal Service, with an email address in Indonesia, has a bank draft in British Pounds, waiting with FedEx?

Are we sure it isn't a Western Union office in Benin?


- Dr.Tony Elumelu, Managing Director, Magnum Asset Management, at rollyb@telkomsa.net (return mail tonyelum@hotmail.com) has *drum roll!* found unclaimed money at his bank that he needs help getting out of Nigeria. And he's willing to give me 20%!

Dude, with his 80%, think he'll get himself a real address?


- Alexander Wilmot-Sitwell, an investment consultant at churchist@blumail.org (return mail wilmotalex@ciudad.com.ar) has unclaimed funds that he needs to get out of the country, and he's willing to give me 40%. I'm guessing that with his 60%, he'll be going to Aruba, where his ISP is. Suntan oil for all, his treat!


May 8:

- Mr Alex J. Udo at mgudo@voila.fr (return mail mgudo1@voila.fr) says that he has completed our business, and the money he promised is waiting for me in Hong Kong. To finish things and arrange the transfer, I need to contact Mr.Pete Suggs at +234 803 88 215 86.

How Mr Suggs is going to do this from his office in Lagos, Nigeria, I do not know. Maybe their weasel tax is lower than in Hong Kong?


- Och! A Scotsman Robert Smith at robertssm02@att.net (return mail roberts014@hotmail.com) has an investment opportunity! They're looking for someone who can invest $50 million dollars.

Well, that leaves me out...


Haggis looks a lot like SPAM, aye?

But I don't like SPAM!

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, more SPAM, whether you like SPAM or not!


May 2:

- admin@national-lottery.co.uk (writing from esaullevy@aol.com with a return mail of kdhdl@e-mail.ua) says simply: "You have won . For full details, please click here."

My thoughts, simply: not.


- The World Bank/IMF at jasshugh72@yahoo.com (return mail worldb_auditor@qatar.io)  writes:

Attn:Client, Your name is among 37 scam Victims list to be compensated by World Bank/IMF via ATM CARD each valued at US$1.5 Million.send your Full details Such As Your Full Name,Address,Telephone via( worldb_auditorr@qatar.io ) DR.RICHARD OGA.

 Wow! I didn't know that the World Bank/IMF was concerned with scam victims. And I didn't know that ATM cards could be worth $4.5 Million dollars! Gotta get me one of THOSE!


- Mr Guff Walter at  online@mss.com (return mail kraftfoodsuk1@live.co.uk) says:

We are please to offer you a job of 10% of payments received from our clients.Job :RECEIVING PAYMENTS AGENT who will Act as medium of breach between our customers and us.reach us at(kraftfoodsuk1@live.co.uk)with your Curriculum Vitae/Resume attached and any other details on experience.(Mr Guff Walter,P.R.O.)Kraft Foods Ltd.

Does my CV have to be spelled correctly? How about English grammar? And what exactly is a 'medium of breach'?


- Oooh! Mr A. Hakim at abdul_hakimbehaj@yahoo.com.ph tells me that he was part of a military council that helped oust out favorite Libyan dictator, and when searching

Col Muammar Gaddafi's Bab al-Aziziya compound, I discovered A metal save: containing (USD53M) fifty three million United States of American Dollars

 which he of course needs help getting out of the country.

Wow. And here I'd thought Muammar had spent it all on fancy robes and uniforms!


That's enough for tonight! Enjoy the video!

With-a slice-a tammat-a!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No vampires here!

Do we have vampires in our Spam? No! well, unless you court the bloodsuckers that want the contents of your pocketbook...

...Or my computer. I just attempted to load a post that held about two weeks of spam, some of it really good stuff. Naturally the system burped and in the attempts to fix it, the whole post went poof.

Which is too bad, because some of it was really creative stuff. I have to say, if some of these crooks worked half as hard at real jobs as they do on theft, they could make a respectable living. But it's more fun to be a thief, eh?